Posted by: Jayme | February 1, 2010

I’ve pretty much moved

I have been posting at my pregnancy blog- which has turned into my family blog. I’ve been blogging there about my losses when I want to talk about it. Feel free to join me over at http://tatertwins.com

I don’t think I’ll be posting here anymore. I like having my thoughts all in one place.

Posted by: Jayme | October 15, 2009

Oct 15


Remembering Raime Kailani, Elora Jade & Connor Jackson
Posted by: Jayme | September 29, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting


What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photo’s,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

With Raime, it was leaning on Aaron and focusing on my pregnancy with Lili. I got pregnant right away. With Elora, same thing, I got pregnant with Connor right away- but Aaron was deployed. I concentrated on getting through the deployment and the first 5 months of pregnancy alone. With Connor it was different. I didn’t get pregnant again right away, in fact I was rather sure I’d never try again. I guess just day to day living and taking care of my family is what got me through losing Connor.

With all three, I’d lose myself in reading as well- especially at night when I couldn’t sleep.

Posted by: Jayme | September 12, 2009

I’ve been scarce

I know I haven’t posted in awhile. I’ve debated taking down this blog, but then I think if my ramblings help anyone, even one person, I don’t want to. I know reading other blogs made me feel not so alone when I was going through the roughest stages of grief.

But I’ll be honest. I am just not feeling it anymore. I am not saying I don’t miss my three babies, but with newborn twins, I just don’t have time to feel the sadness. I thought perhaps I’d get upset thinking that Connor should have done what they are currently doing two years ago, but I don’t. I have made peace with his death.

I did go through that a bit with Lili, thinking of Raime. And then Elora, well I am still bitter that she had to die. But these boys are nothing like her, so I don’t find myself getting caught up in the ‘what ifs’.

So that is where I am at with my grief. I don’t feel the need to write about it anymore.

Posted by: Jayme | June 27, 2009

Happy Birthday, Elora.

I may have two new baby boys to take care of now, but I still miss you.
It’s been three years now, I can’t believe it.
Keep watching over your siblings, especially Dylan & Ryan. They wouldn’t be here if you still were- thank you for sending them to us, to help us heal from losing you.
I love you, sweet baby girl.

Posted by: Jayme | May 26, 2009

Kids and loss

I was admitted to the hospital on Thursday after an appointment because they thought there was a chance I was in preterm labor. It was kind of surreal to be in the hospital without having blood pressure issues. Anyway, after some tests and monitoring and a round of steroids injections to mature the boys’ lungs just in case, I was sent home on Sunday and all is well.
However, my poor daughter. She just turned seven… she remembers Elora, visiting her in the NICU. She was very upset when Connor died. And every day I was at the hospital she’d ask me if the babies were still alive, or if they’d died yet. It breaks my heart that such a young kid has to know so much loss. I want to reassure her, that even if they did come now, that they’d spend some time in the hospital but they’d be ok and come home… but really there’s no guarantee.
How do I ease her worries when I have the same ones?

Posted by: Jayme | May 7, 2009

OB Vent.

I want to vent about an OB I saw recently. I’d never seen this particular doctor before- he was new to the clinic, plus they have me rotating through all the complicated OBs. He looked through my chart and then asked me if I would like to sign up for a tubal during my c-section. I declined. He asked why. I told him that even though we’re pretty sure this is my last pregnancy, I am not ready to make that decision until I have living healthy babies. In addition, Aaron has volunteered to get a vasectomy.
He said we should go ahead and do it now, because regardless if we bring home these babies, I already have five kids who are alive and that’s plenty.
What? Why is that his business? And what does the amount of living kids have to do with it? It’s like, I shouldn’t want to complete my family because I have enough other kids. I felt like he was minimizing my losses. I could almost accept him pushing for a tubal if he was using my health as a reason- but it was so totally more about family size. I would bet money that if I had no living kids he wouldn’t have even suggested it.
I mumbled some comment about how I didn’t want to end my child-bearing years on a loss… and that so far I was healthy this pregnancy. He said well you really can’t subject your body to this many c-sections anyway, that they were not healthy. I totally agree- HOWEVER, this will only be my second. I told him I’d given birth to all my kids but one vaginally, so the whole too many c-sections should not be an issue at this point anyway.
Seriously though- one of my biggest pet peeves is when people try to tell me to be thankful I have five living kids. I am. But that doesn’t make me miss the three I’ve lost any less. It’s like they think I don’t have the right to be sad or grieve because I already have kids.
People preaching to me about family size is also a pet peeve. I am not asking anyone else to take care of my kids. Unless I am asking you to babysit or to help with my finances, then I don’t think you have any right to have any input over how many children Aaron and I decide to have.

Posted by: Jayme | May 3, 2009

Worries

My blood pressure ran somewhat elevated throughout my pregnancy with Connor. Once we discovered he was gone, it got even higher. I don’t know if that was my body’s way of saying get him out, or if I would have begun to develop pre-e and HELLP then if he’d survived.

We had an autopsy performed, but we never have asked for the results. I know there was a cord issue- but I wonder if that was caused by his death or if it caused his death. When he was born, the doctor said his placenta had abrupted, but again, without the autopsy results I don’t know if it happened after he was gone or if it was what caused him to die.

I do know high blood pressure can cause placental abruption, and mine was getting high.

Also when he was born, he was small for gestational age. He had IUGR like Raime and Elora.

I’ve tried not to think of these things in the past two years. I prefer to think that his death was unrelated to my issues, and just a fluke cord incident. I was on Lovenox with him, like with Lili and Mia, where I was not on it with Raime and Elora. I like to believe that my body didn’t kill him. But the truth is, it is pretty likely that it did.

I went into my current pregnancy hoping that the right meds and care would keep me pregnant for a very long time. So far things are working. I am 27 weeks and things are looking pretty good, better than the doctors or I expected actually. I was told to expect to be on bedrest by 22 weeks- in the hospital- when in fact they haven’t even told me to be on modified bedrest at home. However I have pretty much put myself there anyway, it makes me feel as if I am doing something.

I am beginning to worry now. Not that I haven’t been worried all along- but now I’m past the point of viability and I worry that my body will fail me again. I wonder if the babies would be safer outside of me. I read on a website that at around 27 weeks, babies have about a 74-87% chance of survival if born. And as much as I would hate to subject a baby to prematurity and a long NICU stay, part of me thinks that those are pretty good odds and I don’t know if they are that high for babies staying inside of my messed up body.

Posted by: Jayme | April 30, 2009

Post-loss pregnancy freak out.

Today I had an OB appointment & my glucose test. Everything was fine- my blood pressure was 128/82, which isn’t bad for me. After the appointment I came home and took a nap- and a few hours later woke up with a sharp pain in my side. It feels like it’s lower and a different kind of pain than the RUQ pain I had when I had HELLP. But of course it’s still freaking me out. I took my BP and it was 162/90 and a few minutes later 138/90. I was also due for another dose of Labetalol… 15 minutes after I took my meds it was 127/83.

Then I started freaking out because I hadn’t felt the babies move since I woke up, and started poking at them. I couldn’t get Baby A to move so I got out my doppler. I was having visions of the pain being my placenta abrupting and Baby A dying. Of course I couldn’t find Baby A right away… but finally picked up his heartbeat and now he’s moving again.

I don’t know why I am being so paranoid tonight. I JUST had an appointment today. Everything was fine- my weight, BP, urine. I’m sure it’s a side effect of losing babies. But I still don’t think I’ll sleep tonight.

Posted by: Jayme | April 17, 2009

Raime

Eight years ago, Raime was born and died.

I made peace with her death a long time ago.  Instead of being sad, I am choosing to be thankful for her short time in our lives.  Raime taught me to appreciate the kids more.  She brought Aaron and I closer together.  She made it possible for us to have Lili here with us.

We wouldn’t be where we are today if we hadn’t had Raime.  Thank you, my first baby girl.  I love you and miss you.

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