I may have two new baby boys to take care of now, but I still miss you.
It’s been three years now, I can’t believe it.
Keep watching over your siblings, especially Dylan & Ryan. They wouldn’t be here if you still were- thank you for sending them to us, to help us heal from losing you.
I love you, sweet baby girl.

I was admitted to the hospital on Thursday after an appointment because they thought there was a chance I was in preterm labor. It was kind of surreal to be in the hospital without having blood pressure issues. Anyway, after some tests and monitoring and a round of steroids injections to mature the boys’ lungs just in case, I was sent home on Sunday and all is well.
However, my poor daughter. She just turned seven… she remembers Elora, visiting her in the NICU. She was very upset when Connor died. And every day I was at the hospital she’d ask me if the babies were still alive, or if they’d died yet. It breaks my heart that such a young kid has to know so much loss. I want to reassure her, that even if they did come now, that they’d spend some time in the hospital but they’d be ok and come home… but really there’s no guarantee.
How do I ease her worries when I have the same ones?

I want to vent about an OB I saw recently. I’d never seen this particular doctor before- he was new to the clinic, plus they have me rotating through all the complicated OBs. He looked through my chart and then asked me if I would like to sign up for a tubal during my c-section. I declined. He asked why. I told him that even though we’re pretty sure this is my last pregnancy, I am not ready to make that decision until I have living healthy babies. In addition, Aaron has volunteered to get a vasectomy.
He said we should go ahead and do it now, because regardless if we bring home these babies, I already have five kids who are alive and that’s plenty.
What? Why is that his business? And what does the amount of living kids have to do with it? It’s like, I shouldn’t want to complete my family because I have enough other kids. I felt like he was minimizing my losses. I could almost accept him pushing for a tubal if he was using my health as a reason- but it was so totally more about family size. I would bet money that if I had no living kids he wouldn’t have even suggested it.
I mumbled some comment about how I didn’t want to end my child-bearing years on a loss… and that so far I was healthy this pregnancy. He said well you really can’t subject your body to this many c-sections anyway, that they were not healthy. I totally agree- HOWEVER, this will only be my second. I told him I’d given birth to all my kids but one vaginally, so the whole too many c-sections should not be an issue at this point anyway.
Seriously though- one of my biggest pet peeves is when people try to tell me to be thankful I have five living kids. I am. But that doesn’t make me miss the three I’ve lost any less. It’s like they think I don’t have the right to be sad or grieve because I already have kids.
People preaching to me about family size is also a pet peeve. I am not asking anyone else to take care of my kids. Unless I am asking you to babysit or to help with my finances, then I don’t think you have any right to have any input over how many children Aaron and I decide to have.

My blood pressure ran somewhat elevated throughout my pregnancy with Connor. Once we discovered he was gone, it got even higher. I don’t know if that was my body’s way of saying get him out, or if I would have begun to develop pre-e and HELLP then if he’d survived.

We had an autopsy performed, but we never have asked for the results. I know there was a cord issue- but I wonder if that was caused by his death or if it caused his death. When he was born, the doctor said his placenta had abrupted, but again, without the autopsy results I don’t know if it happened after he was gone or if it was what caused him to die.

I do know high blood pressure can cause placental abruption, and mine was getting high.

Also when he was born, he was small for gestational age. He had IUGR like Raime and Elora.

I’ve tried not to think of these things in the past two years. I prefer to think that his death was unrelated to my issues, and just a fluke cord incident. I was on Lovenox with him, like with Lili and Mia, where I was not on it with Raime and Elora. I like to believe that my body didn’t kill him. But the truth is, it is pretty likely that it did.

I went into my current pregnancy hoping that the right meds and care would keep me pregnant for a very long time. So far things are working. I am 27 weeks and things are looking pretty good, better than the doctors or I expected actually. I was told to expect to be on bedrest by 22 weeks- in the hospital- when in fact they haven’t even told me to be on modified bedrest at home. However I have pretty much put myself there anyway, it makes me feel as if I am doing something.

I am beginning to worry now. Not that I haven’t been worried all along- but now I’m past the point of viability and I worry that my body will fail me again. I wonder if the babies would be safer outside of me. I read on a website that at around 27 weeks, babies have about a 74-87% chance of survival if born. And as much as I would hate to subject a baby to prematurity and a long NICU stay, part of me thinks that those are pretty good odds and I don’t know if they are that high for babies staying inside of my messed up body.

Today I had an OB appointment & my glucose test. Everything was fine- my blood pressure was 128/82, which isn’t bad for me. After the appointment I came home and took a nap- and a few hours later woke up with a sharp pain in my side. It feels like it’s lower and a different kind of pain than the RUQ pain I had when I had HELLP. But of course it’s still freaking me out. I took my BP and it was 162/90 and a few minutes later 138/90. I was also due for another dose of Labetalol… 15 minutes after I took my meds it was 127/83.

Then I started freaking out because I hadn’t felt the babies move since I woke up, and started poking at them. I couldn’t get Baby A to move so I got out my doppler. I was having visions of the pain being my placenta abrupting and Baby A dying. Of course I couldn’t find Baby A right away… but finally picked up his heartbeat and now he’s moving again.

I don’t know why I am being so paranoid tonight. I JUST had an appointment today. Everything was fine- my weight, BP, urine. I’m sure it’s a side effect of losing babies. But I still don’t think I’ll sleep tonight.

Eight years ago, Raime was born and died.

I made peace with her death a long time ago.  Instead of being sad, I am choosing to be thankful for her short time in our lives.  Raime taught me to appreciate the kids more.  She brought Aaron and I closer together.  She made it possible for us to have Lili here with us.

We wouldn’t be where we are today if we hadn’t had Raime.  Thank you, my first baby girl.  I love you and miss you.

Viability.
Two years ago today I went to my 24 week OB appointment and found out Connor had no heartbeat. Today, I woke up to two little boys squirming and wrestling around in my belly…

It’s kind of weird having the same due date, just two years later. What are the chances?

Tomorrow is Connor’s second birthday.

Friday the 17th is Raime’s eighth birthday.

Have I mentioned how hard April is? At least I have Lili’s birthday on the 23rd. She’ll be seven, OMG.

I also have an appointment with that same doom and gloom OB on Thursday, boo.  The one who told me I am a ticking time bomb.

A week from today, 25 weeks- is the gestation Elora was born at.

I think I’ll feel better in May. I’ll be hitting the third trimester in May, and the chances of survival go way up.

I hope I get to the end. I WANT to feel horribly uncomfortable and huge. I want to be miserably pregnant.

I don’t want to have to change the title of this blog to ‘And then there were five’

At the store the other day, the check out girl asked me how far along I was and what I was having- I told her twin boys- and she said oh wow, with the two big sisters! Four kids, you’ll have your hands full.
Well I have three boys too- they are just at their dad’s… and sometimes I’ll mention that these boys are actually #6 and 7… though really they’re #9 and 10.

It’s weird, I hate not acknowledging all my kids.  It gets even weirder when I start feeling guilty for not mentioning the babies we’ve lost.
It also feels awkward to me when people see me with the girls and mention how two boys will make it a perfectly balanced family… because it’s not so much.

Although people don’t get too weirded out and act understanding when I say the boys are with their dad, nothing like the reactions I get when I mention deadbabies.

I am not venting or asking for advice, not sure what I want here LOL
But I know from talking to lots of other moms who have lost a child to stillbirth or early neonatal death, the also feel the compulsion to mention the child/ren they’ve lost.   But we’ve all noticed that it really seems to upset or bother the people we’re talking to.  I’m not talking like random strangers, I mean like when I run into someone I haven’t seen in awhile or whatever.

I guess people who haven’t had to bury a child don’t always realize that mentioning our babies makes them real, makes them count.  It makes most of us feel better, not worse, to acknowledge them.

23 weeks 4 days.

By now I’d already had to deliver Raime because my blood pressure was so bad and I’d developed HELLP, and also today was the day in pregnancy I was admitted to the hospital with Elora… so far so good this time though! 3 days to viability! Also 3 days until the day I lost Connor (24 weeks, though I delivered the next day) and 10 days until the day I had Elora (25 weeks)

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