I am finding me

I really am starting to feel like myself again.  It’s been years since I’ve felt like this.  My own person…

The past two years have been HARD.  Two deployments.  Elora’s birth, nine weeks in the NICU, then death.  Connor’s stillbirth.  Then the waffling between trying again or not…

I want to focus on me.  I want to get in shape.  I want to lose weight, get my blood pressure in check.  For the first time in ages, I am not pregnant or nursing.  All my kids are potty trained.  I am feeling rather independent all of a sudden.

In a couple years, after Aaron reenlists, if he’s in a non-deployable squadron & I am healthy, maybe we’ll try again.  I am at peace with that, I am feeling happy about the decision.  The only drawback is the age difference between Mia and the potential new baby, I like my kids close.  But that’s ok.  I can deal with that too.

I was afraid once Aaron got home, I would have the overwhelming urge to try again for a baby.  But I don’t, I am content with this.  Surprised, but very happy that I am feeling like this.

In the meantime, I am super excited to focus on Aaron.  When we met, Owen was just shy of his first birthday.  Our marriage has always had a baby as the primary focus, but not now.  Mia is going to be four this fall, and she’s so independent.  Like I said, we’ve been through lots in the past two years or so, and he’s been all about taking care of me.   I think it’s his turn to feel spoiled!

Thoughts of Connor

As this deployment is winding down, and I am making preparations for Aaron’s homecoming, I find myself thinking of Connor. Last time Aaron came home from a deployment, it was because Connor was stillborn. I was thrilled of course to have him home, but devastated because of the reason.
I remember feeling upset because the house wasn’t clean enough, no Welcome Home banners were made or hung, I hadn’t shopped for Aaron’s favorite foods. Instead of me doting on him, he was taking care of me.
I also have always felt so sad that he didn’t get here on time to see or hold Connor. He never felt him kick, never went with me to any appointments. Luckily I have his ultrasounds on DVD, but I am sad Aaron never got to know Connor.
Enough sadness, I have a homecoming to prepare for!!

Baby doesn’t fit

Do you think it’s a sign?

Elora

So much going through my head right now…

A friend of mine is pregnant- another loss mama. I am so very happy for her- it’s been a year and a half since her baby was stillborn. She so deserves this, she’s an amazing mom. I love when someone who’s been through this hell gets another chance.

Of course, I am feeling jealous too. Not the kind of jealousy that is insane and generally reserved for people who I irrationally feel don’t deserve to be pregnant or have babies (you deadbabymoms know what I am talking about)… just a small normal amount. And that could even be hormonal, since I got my period last night LOL

Her pregnancy leaves me wishing… dreaming. I wish I could be pregnant too. I wish I could have a baby after a loss (or two). But I feel like I’ve used up all my chances.

Lili’s baby fever doesn’t help matters either. She’s got me thinking about it more and more, since she is constantly mentioning baby siblings. Just when I get it out of my mind, she is there to remind me.

My rational side says I’m done with babies. For the first time in 12 years, everyone is potty trained, no one is nursing, and I’m not pregnant. I’m starting to feel like ME again, even if my body doesn’t look like me anymore. I can diet, get in shape, have a beer…

I should be happy and content with my five living kids. They are wonderful. So why do I have that teeny nagging from who knows where that tells me our family isn’t complete? Does that ever go away? I hear people say, ‘After our 3rd baby was born, we knew our family was perfect and I got my tubes tied’. Am I ever going to feel that?

I know it would be best not to risk it, not to get pregnant again, not to try for one more. I know my body might not handle one more pregnancy. But why is it so hard for me to be done? Is it because I ended my child bearing years with losses and not a successful pregnancy?

And now, Aaron’s coming home soon. For months, I haven’t had to worry about birth control. But I fear that if I don’t do something like get my uterus removed before he gets home, I’ll find myself doing something impulsive and end up pregnant within a month or two. I have a really hard time not wanting to make babies with him :X

So my mind is telling me, run, don’t walk, to the GYN and get an IUD or something you can’t just stop using on a whim, you can’t handle another high risk pregnancy and potential loss, you’ll go nuts… but my heart is telling me MAKE MOAR BABIES!!

Someone talk me down please.

Thoughts…

When I was ten, my aunt gave birth to my cousin. But a year or two before that, she had been pregnant. She had a son, born too soon- I believe at around 7 months. I don’t know what happened. I know this was 20+ years ago, but I’d think they’d have been able to try to save him, since she was so far along.
I’ve been thinking about him often lately, and thinking about my aunt. My cousin is now 21. Does she think of that son she lost all those years ago? Did she name him? Was there more to his premature birth- was he stillborn? Did he have other complications? I have a vague memory of someone mentioning hydrocephalus or something similar.
I’d want people to ask me. I’d want to share the story. So why is it so hard for me to bring it up with her?

Baby Fever

Not mine. Well, not really. I think I’ll always have a touch of the baby rabies… the desire to procreate. But this time it’s my six year old. She’s got it BAD. She’s wanted a baby sibling for ages now, as long as I can remember. She was so excited about Elora, and she loved her weekly visits to the NICU. She couldn’t wait to hold her and take care of her and be a big sister. Then she got excited about Connor, aka Baby Jack. Granted she’s already a big sister to my three and a half year old, but she’s informed me that doesn’t count because she’s too big to be a baby now since she walks, talks and is potty trained.

It’s so hard for me to hear her talk of her desire to have another sibling. I wish she didn’t have to know death at such a young age. I hate that she is robbed of that innocence.

Her desire isn’t a passing thing. She’s consistently wanted a baby in the family for years now. She asks on a regular basis if I have a baby in my belly yet. I tell her I don’t want one, that I’ve got enough kids. I tell her I’m afraid that the baby might get sick and die like Elora and Connor. And she says if that happens, I should keep trying until one gets to come home from the hospital.

She even has names picked out. She would prefer a girl, but a boy is ok too, as long as it doesn’t die. But the ultimate would be twins- one of each. She wants twins more than anything.

It would be so much easier if she wasn’t talking about it all the time. Maybe then I wouldn’t have a touch of baby fever too. Unfortunately for her, my fear of another loss is far greater than my desire to try again at this point.

6 by 6: july 2008

http://www.glowinthewoods.com/6-by-6/
1 | How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?

I wasn’t afraid. I mean, some stuff bothered me, but I always figured everything would always work out, you know? Since my losses though, I have to try hard to maintain that optimism with life.

2 | Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life? In what way?

Yes! Not only are they constantly in our hearts, but we also have pictures and other mementos around the house. In addition, I wear a ring with each of their birthstones that is engraved with the words “Always in my heart”

3 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported.

People listening to me talk about the babies, or asking about them, or telling me they took the time to look at the websites always makes me feel happy- and that they are being remembered.

4 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.

I was told “I know how you’re feeling, my dog just died” after Elora died. Being told to get over it, move on, etc.

5 | What’s taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?

Make friends. My from before Elora & Connor friends have all moved away, gee thanks military. I haven’t been able to make new ones. I haven’t tried to be honest.

6 | How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?

I know I have a tendency to take Aaron for granted, and I think since we’ve had our losses I’ve been better about that. I really don’t know what I’d do without him. He’s my rock, he holds me together.

Two Years

It’s been two years since Elora was born. She was such a perfect baby, just amazing. So much personality for such a teeny thing. So feisty, so sure of what she liked and wanted. She was my Sweet Pea.

As I said last year on her birthday:

I miss holding her tiny fingers.
I miss the smell of her.
I miss watching how she would respond to my voice.
I miss seeing her look around, her big blue eyes exploring the world.
I miss the feel of her snuggling up on my chest the few times I was able to hold her.
I miss watching her untuck her foot and stretch out her leg every time the nurse would tuck it in.
I wonder what she would be like now.
I wonder how that feisty personality of hers would be developing.
I wonder what she’d be like as a toddler…
I wonder why she had to go, I miss her, she was amazing.
I wish we had been able to have more time with her.

Mother’s Day

Not sure how to put this… I don’t intend to offend anyone, just saying that right up front. I know that usually when someone says that they do end up offending…

Mother’s Day is coming up soon. I’ve seen a few people in this DeadBabyClub say that they weren’t celebrating. I can understand that if you’ve got no living kids, although I do believe you are still a mother, and therefore entitled to celebrate. But I just don’t understand those with living kids refusing to acknowledge the day. Maybe if they never did do anything for Mother’s Day, but to suddenly boycott… I don’t know.

One mother said that more of her kids were dead than alive. That sucks, it really does, but what about her living kids? Aren’t they important enough? Especially those that are school age and understand the whole deal. Don’t you think they will feel like their mother doesn’t think they matter as much as the ones that are gone? It just doesn’t sit right with me.

The Mother’s Day after Raime was hard- my boys were half a world away with their father. It’d been less than a month since we lost Raime. But Aaron got me a gift, and said I was still not only a mom to the boys, but to his baby as well. It wasn’t an ideal day, but it was as nice as it could possibly be.

I’m not going to stop doing something just because I’ve had three babies die. That goes for EVERYTHING, not just Mother’s Day. Life goes on. It hurts that all my babies aren’t with me here, but I am so grateful to have some to celebrate with. This year, my boys again are in NY- and my husband is deployed. My girls are too little to really understand or do anything, but that’s ok. They are here with me and I will enjoy them.