It’s almost April, and I am starting to get nervous about making it through the month.  I am just over 21 weeks.  If I make it through April, I’ll be in the third trimester!   I am due August 1st but afraid to even wish to make it that far.  I just hope to make it long enough that these baby boys are viable.

But April is my bad month.   Raime was due August 6th, 2001 and she came April 17th, and was stillborn.  Connor was due August 1st, 2007 and was stillborn on April 12th.  That’s twice I was due in August and gave birth in April, and didn’t get to bring my baby home with me.

I wish I could just sleep through April and wake up in May.

My post-lost thoughts make me experience such a range of emotions.  Of course I’m thrilled and excited to be pregnant, WITH TWINS!  I’m elated that they are two healthy growing boys.  But I’m so scared to get attached.  I am hoping this passes once we get past the point of viability.   I am afraid to buy the stuff we need- carseats, stroller… I don’t want to have to return it again.  I am nervous about setting up a nursery, because what if we don’t need it?  How will I walk past that each day?