Posted by: Jayme | May 3, 2009

Worries

My blood pressure ran somewhat elevated throughout my pregnancy with Connor. Once we discovered he was gone, it got even higher. I don’t know if that was my body’s way of saying get him out, or if I would have begun to develop pre-e and HELLP then if he’d survived.

We had an autopsy performed, but we never have asked for the results. I know there was a cord issue- but I wonder if that was caused by his death or if it caused his death. When he was born, the doctor said his placenta had abrupted, but again, without the autopsy results I don’t know if it happened after he was gone or if it was what caused him to die.

I do know high blood pressure can cause placental abruption, and mine was getting high.

Also when he was born, he was small for gestational age. He had IUGR like Raime and Elora.

I’ve tried not to think of these things in the past two years. I prefer to think that his death was unrelated to my issues, and just a fluke cord incident. I was on Lovenox with him, like with Lili and Mia, where I was not on it with Raime and Elora. I like to believe that my body didn’t kill him. But the truth is, it is pretty likely that it did.

I went into my current pregnancy hoping that the right meds and care would keep me pregnant for a very long time. So far things are working. I am 27 weeks and things are looking pretty good, better than the doctors or I expected actually. I was told to expect to be on bedrest by 22 weeks- in the hospital- when in fact they haven’t even told me to be on modified bedrest at home. However I have pretty much put myself there anyway, it makes me feel as if I am doing something.

I am beginning to worry now. Not that I haven’t been worried all along- but now I’m past the point of viability and I worry that my body will fail me again. I wonder if the babies would be safer outside of me. I read on a website that at around 27 weeks, babies have about a 74-87% chance of survival if born. And as much as I would hate to subject a baby to prematurity and a long NICU stay, part of me thinks that those are pretty good odds and I don’t know if they are that high for babies staying inside of my messed up body.

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Responses

  1. Do not worry, release the past. God is with you.


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