Posted by: Jayme | April 18, 2007

Alone.

Aaron’s got the girls at gymnastics. I just couldn’t go. Not yet. So I’m alone for the first time since the hospital.

I’ve been doing pretty good… so I’m thinking I’m probably in denial or something. When I was in the hospital I cried a few times, but not too much. I kept thinking it would all hit me when Aaron got home, that I had to be strong until then for my girls. I was mentally preparing myself to push it all to the back of my mind for another two weeks.

The nurses kept telling me it was ok to cry. Duh. I cried, and cried hard, but mostly when they weren’t in the room. I can’t just cry in front of people like that. I cried so hard, thinking of Aaron. Thinking he was missing seeing his only son, that he’d never get to hold him, play with him, raise him. I think that’s what hurts me more than the loss itself, the loss for Aaron.

They made me see a grief counselor before they’d release me, because they thought I was handling it too well.

I didn’t even cry at the funeral home yesterday.

I know I need to let this out, I just don’t know how. I’m afraid I won’t bounce back this time.

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