Posted by: Jayme | April 24, 2007

Connor… Babies…

We went down to the funeral home in Wilmington today to pick up Connor’s ashes. They’re in the teeniest little box. Part of me wants to get an urn, but then I think about how we want to put him with his sisters. I don’t know. I have these feelings of guilt because we didn’t do the same thing with him as we did with Elora & Raime. It’s so hard.

Then… on the way home, Aaron was talking about moving to Holly Ridge- it’s about the same distance to his work, but it’s closer to Wilmington, and we love it there. I told him I didn’t want to move, it’s such a pain in the ass to pack up everything… and he said that we’re going to need a bigger house soon, especially when we have another baby.

That threw me. I can’t go there. I can’t even think about it. I already played that game- I already took another chance- and lost. Again. I was so happy being pregnant with Connor. I felt so good, healthy, positive. I was so excited to have a boy- to be able to give Aaron a son. I didn’t even know how much I wanted a baby boy until they told me that’s what I was having. I can’t do that again. I can’t.

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