Posted by: Jayme | May 3, 2007

Chat with the doula, thoughts…

The doula that was with me when I labored & delivered Connor called today, to see how I was. She wondered if we had received the autopsy results yet. She said she has been thinking lots about me, and my family. She thanked me several times for allowing her to be there… but I was so thankful not to have to be alone. She’s the only one aside from the doctor & nurse that met Connor, got to see him.

She’s religious, not like shove it in your face religious, but she’s got a very strong faith. She said she just doesn’t understand why a family like ours has to go through this time and again. We talked about the saying that everything happens for a reason… and how we don’t know the reasons. I told her I like to make up my own reasons- I like to think that Raime brought Aaron and I closer together, made our marriage that much stronger and more solid for whatever was to come next. I really believe that was her purpose.

I told her how I believe that my babies are with my friend Raime, and she’s taking care of them. That gives me some comfort. Being Christian, she said that we’ll all be together again someday… I don’t know what I believe, as far as labeling goes… but I have to hold on to that thought. I have to have faith that I’ll see my babies again. I wasn’t raised any religion, but I don’t think I could go on if I didn’t have some hope for that.

I still haven’t figured out why we lost Elora. I mean, I know why in the scientific sense… but what lesson were we supposed to get out of it? I can’t imagine that if there is a God or a higher being of some kind, that he would allow this to happen over and over again without good reason. And like I said, I’d like to find my own reason that helps me understand.

I wasn’t done grieving for Elora. Not that I think you’re ever truly done, but I wasn’t even close to working through it when Connor died. I had thought he’d be the bandaid, what got me through it- the way Lili helped get me through Raime. I could look at Lili and think, I’d never have her if Raime had lived. She’s not a replacement, of course, but having another child was healing. I had succeeded at pregnancy, given birth to a live, healthy baby, I didn’t quit, I didn’t give up, I didn’t fail.

I tried to do that again, I got pregnant with Connor. I tried to complete our family. I tried to move forward. I didn’t want to end on such a sad, depressing note. I didn’t want my childbearing to be complete, with a loss as the final chapter. I was so optimistic, so positive that things were going to be ok, that I was getting my baby, completing my family.

I’m just so overwhelmed. I don’t know what to feel most of the time. It’s been three weeks, and I’m still numb, in denial.

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