Bad Day

I’m having a bad day.
I was doing ok, trucking along, and the next thing I know, I’m having a meltdown. I know I’ve been on edge for a long time, I know I’ve said several times how everything seems surreal, like a dream, or that I’m numb to it. I knew at some point I had to crack, and I guess that was this evening.
I don’t really want to talk about what triggered it, but once I started thinking and crying, it was hard to stop.
I feel like I am just going through the motions, that I’m not living. I get out of bed every morning. I do all the daily stuff you’re supposed to do. But it’s like I’m on auto pilot or something. I feel like I am not being a good mom, wife, friend.
I feel like I fail as a mother. My boys are in NY. I’ve buried three babies. I have no patience for the girls lately. I had to force myself to take them to gymnastics, which they love, because of how I felt uncomfortable there. I have to force myself to bring them outside to play, because I don’t want to talk to the neighbors across the street- I haven’t talked to them since Connor died, and I don’t want to go into it.
I feel like I fail as a wife. I haven’t felt like cooking. I haven’t been doing really any housekeeping. I look at myself and see a train wreck. I haven’t been taking care of myself, I’ve gained a ton of weight. I don’t know how Aaron can even stand to look at me, or want to be with me. How can he possibly find me attractive? I can’t even give him living babies.
So I spent half the afternoon and evening sobbing about all of this stuff. Aaron wants to know how to make it better. I don’t think anything can make it better. I guess I just have to grieve, work through it myself. I just really miss my babies. I miss my boys. I miss feeling like ME.

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