Posted by: Jayme | May 31, 2007

Another Wednesday Down…

Another week gone by. 

I should be 31 weeks.  I just want to get past my due date.  I think I’ll fell less numb, less in limbo, less something then.  It still seems so far away.  Yet it also seems like I haven’t been pregnant in forever, and it’s only been 7 weeks. 

This Wednesday was the easiest one so far.  The holiday weekend threw me off, and Aaron just went back to work today- so it felt like a Monday and not a Wednesday.  Plus gymnastics is over, so I didn’t have to face the pregnant coach or the other moms.   Also, I had my breakdown earlier in the week, and I do feel somewhat better now.

I listed several of Connor’s diapers for sale, and some of his clothes.  I am saving a few things for sentimental reasons, but there is just so much here that isn’t being used.  It seems like such a waste.  I really wanted to have a baby to put in those cute diapers.  But, three strikes, you’re out. 

Before Connor, and after Elora, my fear of not finishing my family was greater than my fear of another loss.  I thought my family would be complete with six (living) kids.  Lightning had already struck us twice, there was no way we’d have to bury another baby.  I was wrong.  Now my fear of having to go through another loss is far greater than my desire to have another baby.   I can’t go through that again.

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Responses

  1. No words can be said to make it feel better so I will just send mega {{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    We are burying our son tomorrow and the entire thought process of going through the motions is so overwhelming to me. I just want to hold him and not let go :*( ::sobbing::

    I’m praying for you my friend. You have given me hope that I am not totally crazy with all these real feelings.

    Lots of thoughts and prayers…~Tammi

  2. Thanks Tammi
    We still haven’t buried Connor. I can’t do it right now. I want him to be with his sisters and that’s 12 hours away, so we decided to just do it next time we’re in NY, and just to have it be us, not a whole memorial service again.

    You’re right, it’s like we’re just going through the motions to get by each day. Somedays, it just comes easier.


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