Another Wednesday Down…

Another week gone by. 

I should be 31 weeks.  I just want to get past my due date.  I think I’ll fell less numb, less in limbo, less something then.  It still seems so far away.  Yet it also seems like I haven’t been pregnant in forever, and it’s only been 7 weeks. 

This Wednesday was the easiest one so far.  The holiday weekend threw me off, and Aaron just went back to work today- so it felt like a Monday and not a Wednesday.  Plus gymnastics is over, so I didn’t have to face the pregnant coach or the other moms.   Also, I had my breakdown earlier in the week, and I do feel somewhat better now.

I listed several of Connor’s diapers for sale, and some of his clothes.  I am saving a few things for sentimental reasons, but there is just so much here that isn’t being used.  It seems like such a waste.  I really wanted to have a baby to put in those cute diapers.  But, three strikes, you’re out. 

Before Connor, and after Elora, my fear of not finishing my family was greater than my fear of another loss.  I thought my family would be complete with six (living) kids.  Lightning had already struck us twice, there was no way we’d have to bury another baby.  I was wrong.  Now my fear of having to go through another loss is far greater than my desire to have another baby.   I can’t go through that again.