Posted by: Jayme | June 23, 2007

Dates

I’ve been feeling so very blah lately.  I couldn’t figure out why.  The boys will be back in a couple days, Aaron’s home now, the girls are behaving, my bathroom is done.  Everything is going ok- so why am I so emotional and moody and just plain old sad?  Then I realized- it’s less than a week until June 27th.  It should be Elora’s first birthday on Wednesday.  Again with the damn Wednesdays. 

Then, after that it’s Connor’s due date- August 1st.  I should be huge and uncomfortable right now with a big baby belly.  Raime’s due date was August 6th.  It’s easier with her now, it’s been so long.  Her actual birth/death date is what’s hard.  Only her due date that first year was rough.  So I anticipate Connor’s will be hard.

August 28th was the day Elora died.  It was such a hard day, all the events that lead up to it, how sick she was, making sure the kids got to see her before she died… it was so overwhelming the way it happened so fast then- it still feels that way to me now.  I can’t believe it’s been almost a year. 

I miss my babies.  I really ache for them.  I miss being pregnant, holding a newborn, nursing a baby, having an infant in the family.  I keep waiting for it to get better, for the bitterness I feel towards others who are pregnant or have babies to lift.  I don’t want to feel like this, but I can’t help it.  I think I need to have another big crying session.

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Responses

  1. {{{Hugs}}}}
    I am bitter with you. I don’t want to even email with friends that I know that are pregnant. The days just go by and all the special dates are ever so heart wrenching.

    I hope that you will find comfort as you deal with all these upcoming dates. I do go out and buy flowers for my table as a special little tribute and even though they do not take away the pain, they do help me remember in a special way and flowers are usually cheerful.

    I think of you often. ~Tammi


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