Posted by: Jayme | July 2, 2007

How do I deal?

Why is it so much harder to deal with all the pregnancies and new babies this time? Have I hit bottom finally? Or is it because there is no next time to give me hope?

I feel like everyone around me is getting pregnant. I am so bitterly jealous. I HATE feeling like this, but I can’t help it. I can’t get my emotions under control. When is it going to get easier to hear the news when someone tells me they’re expecting? When will it stop hurting so bad? I have a hard time seeing pregnant women and newborns when I leave the house… it feels so weird to skip the baby aisle when I go to the store.

I feel guilty because I have five awesome kids here. But they only distract me from the pain of my losses, not make it better. And then I feel their pain, they also have lost. My oldest always says he has three more siblings when people make comments on our family size. My five year old as repeatedly asked me to please have another baby- one we get to bring home from the hospital so she can hold it. I love my kids, all of them. I keep going because of them. They are why I get out of bed in the morning. I guess I answered my own question. They are how I deal.

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