Posted by: Jayme | April 2, 2008

April

It’s officially April now. So many dates… so many memories, so much sadness. At the end, we get to celebrate a living child’s birthday, which is bittersweet. Lili wouldn’t be here if Raime lived.

So first we have the anniversary of Connor’s birth/death on the 12th. My sweet tiny mad faced baby boy. His short life seems so surreal. I know he was sent to me to help me get through the deployment that I was dreading, and he gave me something to look forward to. He kept me from concentrating on the fact my husband and boys weren’t home.
I feel like he was *mine*. The other kids, they are *ours*, but I found out I was pregnant with Connor when Aaron was gone, and he died before Aaron got home. Aaron never got to feel him kick, go to the appointments, etc. It was like I was a single mom there for awhile, and that is what makes his life so surreal to me. I know Aaron loves him like I do, and like he does Raime, but it still feels like he was only mine. Does that make me selfish? Sometimes I wonder if I imagined him.

On the 17th we ‘celebrate’ Raime. I can not believe it will have been SEVEN years since she died. In so many ways it feels like yesterday, yet in others it seems like a lifetime ago. My first baby girl. My body failed her. I remember that time spent in the hospital before she was born in bits and pieces, I was on so many meds to try to keep her in me. Everything was so hazy because of the mag sulfate, and top that off with the demerol…
My clearest memory of that time is when they handed Raime to Aaron, all bundled up, when we were still in the delivery room. He was sitting down, I have no recollection where the chair came from. He was holding her, just looking at her, with this expression on his face that just breaks my heart thinking of it. His first born, gone too soon.

Finally though, we have a real celebration- Miss Lili turns 6 on the 23rd. I swear that child has enough personality for several kids. I like to think her extra spunk is coming from her big sister, Raime. I can’t imagine life without her.

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