Posted by: Jayme | April 29, 2008

Rambles.

Ok.
This post was inspired by a post a friend made. She’s another loss Mama, her baby was stillborn when her daughter was two, and she was talking about how her now 3 yr old was playing that she was pregnant and when she had her pretend baby it was stillborn. It sucks SO HARD that this is their reality. That these poor kids even have to know so much about death at such a young age. Watching them grieve, how they process the info, is killer. It’s so hard… SO HARD. Anyway, I got off on my own tangent, my own train of thought about it, and didn’t want to spam her comments with my own issues, so I am making my own post.
It’s just so freakin difficult watching the kids grieve. I remember when I was pregnant with Connor, Lili kept asking if we could PLEASE bring this baby home so she could hold him and play with him and love him… and I kept telling her of course, it won’t happen again, ‘Baby Jack’ won’t die like Elora..
She’ll still say stuff to me randomly like, but Mommy I never even got to SEE him like I saw Elora 😦
I regret not even thinking about that… I was the only one to see him, well and the nurses and doctors- Even Aaron didn’t.
I don’t think it really affects Mia, she was never really too aware of what was happening with Elora, I think she was a bit young, and we didn’t really talk about it with her, and she never really put two and two together that I was pregnant again with Connor. But Lili, she was turning 5 when Connor died, and 4 with Elora, so she was super involved and really excited about a new sibling both times.
She still wants a baby SO BAD. She’s got baby fever, seriously. She frequently asks me if I could please have another baby… she tells me Mia is too big now LOL. When we’re out and we see newborns on up to about 1 yr olds she always wants to go talk to them, touch them, play with them. I tell her I’m not having another baby and she says she will have one then 😦 I tell her not until she’s grown up and married…
I don’t want another baby. I don’t feel like our family is incomplete anymore. I am happy with the kids we have. I don’t want to risk another loss. I don’t want to start over with a newborn and diapers and all that. This is the first time since having kids that I’ve got no one in diapers. I don’t need to pack diaper bags, bring strollers, etc. It’s so nice. But I really hate that Lili thinks that babies die all the time like this. There’s a teeny part of me that says I need to have another baby just so I have one that lives and Lili can see a happy ending.

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