Posted by: Jayme | May 6, 2008

I have another blog.

It’s on LiveJournal- the link is in the sidebar.

I write there just about every day, and have been since 2003. That’s my everything space- I post these posts there too, but I also post everyday stuff too. What the kids are up to, complaining about so & so for ticking me off, rambling about whatever, sharing tons of pictures. I keep it locked down, so that I know who’s reading it. It’s personal, but in a totally different way compared to this blog. I started this public record of my grief, my losses, my babies- because in the days after Raime I was drawn to the stories of others who’d been through it. It helped me so much to see I wasn’t alone, what I was feeling was normal, and that life would go on. If I can help just one person…

My LiveJournal, it’s like my diary. Weeding through a million posts about potty training would not have helped me when I needed to feel less alone in my sorrow.

When I sit down to write here, I feel different. It is as if this calming aura surrounds me, I feel all zen-like. I am able to concentrate better, the words just flow. Most of the time I don’t know what I am going to write about, it somehow comes out and the post takes form when the mood hits.

Sometimes I feel guilty when I haven’t posted about my babies in awhile. I don’t want them to feel like I’ve forgotten about them, even though I know that’s silly. I know within myself I think about them all the time. But it’s as if they’ve just become a part of me, of life. When I think of them I don’t often feel the overwhelming and crippling heartache. It still comes to me like that occasionally, but not like it did before. I’ve made a sort of peace with my losses, I’ve struck a balance. I’ve learned that just because I’m not crying doesn’t mean I’m not missing them. Life goes on, and I need to stay strong for my living kids.

It is such a delicate balance- the guilt. I feel guilty when I’m grieving and sad, because I should be doing fun, happy stuff with the kids. I feel guilty when I’m having an awesome day, when I’m happy- because I should be mourning my losses, because I love those babies just as much as the ones that are here with me. My blogging is the same but in a lesser way- I feel guilty when I have no profound words of wisdom to put in this one… when all I am writing about is fluff about my day. But you know, fluff is good sometimes, I need fluff, my kids need fluff. They don’t need a mom who’s brooding all the time. Balance… must keep my balance.

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