Posted by: Jayme | July 11, 2008

So much going through my head right now…

A friend of mine is pregnant- another loss mama. I am so very happy for her- it’s been a year and a half since her baby was stillborn. She so deserves this, she’s an amazing mom. I love when someone who’s been through this hell gets another chance.

Of course, I am feeling jealous too. Not the kind of jealousy that is insane and generally reserved for people who I irrationally feel don’t deserve to be pregnant or have babies (you deadbabymoms know what I am talking about)… just a small normal amount. And that could even be hormonal, since I got my period last night LOL

Her pregnancy leaves me wishing… dreaming. I wish I could be pregnant too. I wish I could have a baby after a loss (or two). But I feel like I’ve used up all my chances.

Lili’s baby fever doesn’t help matters either. She’s got me thinking about it more and more, since she is constantly mentioning baby siblings. Just when I get it out of my mind, she is there to remind me.

My rational side says I’m done with babies. For the first time in 12 years, everyone is potty trained, no one is nursing, and I’m not pregnant. I’m starting to feel like ME again, even if my body doesn’t look like me anymore. I can diet, get in shape, have a beer…

I should be happy and content with my five living kids. They are wonderful. So why do I have that teeny nagging from who knows where that tells me our family isn’t complete? Does that ever go away? I hear people say, ‘After our 3rd baby was born, we knew our family was perfect and I got my tubes tied’. Am I ever going to feel that?

I know it would be best not to risk it, not to get pregnant again, not to try for one more. I know my body might not handle one more pregnancy. But why is it so hard for me to be done? Is it because I ended my child bearing years with losses and not a successful pregnancy?

And now, Aaron’s coming home soon. For months, I haven’t had to worry about birth control. But I fear that if I don’t do something like get my uterus removed before he gets home, I’ll find myself doing something impulsive and end up pregnant within a month or two. I have a really hard time not wanting to make babies with him :X

So my mind is telling me, run, don’t walk, to the GYN and get an IUD or something you can’t just stop using on a whim, you can’t handle another high risk pregnancy and potential loss, you’ll go nuts… but my heart is telling me MAKE MOAR BABIES!!

Someone talk me down please.

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