Posted by: Jayme | October 20, 2008

Time

When I think about trying to have another baby, one we can take home- I think about time. Nine months seems like forever to wait and see if we get a ‘take home baby’- but I’d do anything to keep a baby inside me that long. I think about how slowly that first trimester goes… about how it seems like it takes ages just to get to the point where you can feel ‘safe’ from miscarriage. Then you anxiously await the day you feel movement, and of course after that are paranoid when you don’t. Most people think once you get that far you’re home free… but my journey has taught me otherwise.

I hope if I do get pregnant again, that I am able to make it safely into the third trimester. I realistically pray for as much time in the womb as possible, and for the shortest NICU stay with the least amount of complications for the baby. I know better than to assume once I get pregnant I’ll have a fat happy full term healthy baby. It seems like that getting to the second and third trimester takes forever, but in reality, it’s not enough time.

Best case scenario- I get pregnant, have the minimal amount of complications, deliver close to term, take home a healthy baby. Worst case- well to me the worst thing would be what happened with Elora taking place again. Hospitalization, emergency c-section of a teeny tiny micro preemie, weeks and weeks in the NICU, only to bury another child… that was worse than stillbirth, and stillbirth was worse than miscarriage, and miscarriage was worse than seeing a big fat negative pregnancy test.

Can I handle a negative test? Yes.
Can I handle a miscarriage? Yep.
Stillbirth? It would suck to have to do that a third time, no way around that. But I’d like to think I’d bounce back emotionally like I always do.
Could I deal with another situation like Elora’s? I hope so. While I am at peace with the deaths of Connor and Raime, I am still very much bitter and angry about losing Elora (maybe that should be a topic for another entry). However, if I had to do it again, if I could relive that part of my life and choose whether or not to get pregnant with her- I’d do it.

So does that mean I’m ready to face the ups and downs of trying to have one more baby? I hope so. I think it’s time.

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