Viability.
Two years ago today I went to my 24 week OB appointment and found out Connor had no heartbeat. Today, I woke up to two little boys squirming and wrestling around in my belly…

It’s kind of weird having the same due date, just two years later. What are the chances?

Tomorrow is Connor’s second birthday.

Friday the 17th is Raime’s eighth birthday.

Have I mentioned how hard April is? At least I have Lili’s birthday on the 23rd. She’ll be seven, OMG.

I also have an appointment with that same doom and gloom OB on Thursday, boo.  The one who told me I am a ticking time bomb.

A week from today, 25 weeks- is the gestation Elora was born at.

I think I’ll feel better in May. I’ll be hitting the third trimester in May, and the chances of survival go way up.

I hope I get to the end. I WANT to feel horribly uncomfortable and huge. I want to be miserably pregnant.

I don’t want to have to change the title of this blog to ‘And then there were five’

At the store the other day, the check out girl asked me how far along I was and what I was having- I told her twin boys- and she said oh wow, with the two big sisters! Four kids, you’ll have your hands full.
Well I have three boys too- they are just at their dad’s… and sometimes I’ll mention that these boys are actually #6 and 7… though really they’re #9 and 10.

It’s weird, I hate not acknowledging all my kids.  It gets even weirder when I start feeling guilty for not mentioning the babies we’ve lost.
It also feels awkward to me when people see me with the girls and mention how two boys will make it a perfectly balanced family… because it’s not so much.

Although people don’t get too weirded out and act understanding when I say the boys are with their dad, nothing like the reactions I get when I mention deadbabies.

I am not venting or asking for advice, not sure what I want here LOL
But I know from talking to lots of other moms who have lost a child to stillbirth or early neonatal death, the also feel the compulsion to mention the child/ren they’ve lost.   But we’ve all noticed that it really seems to upset or bother the people we’re talking to.  I’m not talking like random strangers, I mean like when I run into someone I haven’t seen in awhile or whatever.

I guess people who haven’t had to bury a child don’t always realize that mentioning our babies makes them real, makes them count.  It makes most of us feel better, not worse, to acknowledge them.

23 weeks 4 days.

By now I’d already had to deliver Raime because my blood pressure was so bad and I’d developed HELLP, and also today was the day in pregnancy I was admitted to the hospital with Elora… so far so good this time though! 3 days to viability! Also 3 days until the day I lost Connor (24 weeks, though I delivered the next day) and 10 days until the day I had Elora (25 weeks)

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It’s almost April, and I am starting to get nervous about making it through the month.  I am just over 21 weeks.  If I make it through April, I’ll be in the third trimester!   I am due August 1st but afraid to even wish to make it that far.  I just hope to make it long enough that these baby boys are viable.

But April is my bad month.   Raime was due August 6th, 2001 and she came April 17th, and was stillborn.  Connor was due August 1st, 2007 and was stillborn on April 12th.  That’s twice I was due in August and gave birth in April, and didn’t get to bring my baby home with me.

I wish I could just sleep through April and wake up in May.

My post-lost thoughts make me experience such a range of emotions.  Of course I’m thrilled and excited to be pregnant, WITH TWINS!  I’m elated that they are two healthy growing boys.  But I’m so scared to get attached.  I am hoping this passes once we get past the point of viability.   I am afraid to buy the stuff we need- carseats, stroller… I don’t want to have to return it again.  I am nervous about setting up a nursery, because what if we don’t need it?  How will I walk past that each day?

http://www.newsweek.com/id/182572/page/1

I have been thinking about these huge families on TV. Not like the ones with high order multiples- like Jon & Kate + 8, but like the Duggars. She’s got 18 kids and they’ve spoken about one miscarriage when they were first married- but it blows my mind that all of those kids are alive and healthy and none have some chromosomal thing, none were born super early, etc. There are a few other specials about other big families and none of them ever mention having a stillbirth or anything. You’d think with all those pregnancies, there would be some sort of loss… how is it that I got all that luck?

After every appointment, Lili asks me if the babies are still alive. It breaks my heart that my kids know this kind of loss 😦

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This is my last try at a take home baby.  After this, I’m done.  If I get to the point in pregnancy where I’ll have a c-section to deliver, I’ll have my tubes tied.  If I lose them before them, and don’t have surgery, Aaron will have a vasectomy.  We have decided we can’t do it again, if this doesn’t work out.  And of course, if it does work, well we’ll be done because we’ll have a ton of kids LOL

I’m really hoping for the ton of kids option 🙂

I don’t want to grieve anymore.  I want to be happy.  I want to be overwhelmed with the newborn days… no sleep, tons of diapers…

I don’t want to find myself doing too much after having a baby, but since there’s no baby to take care of, I have to keep reminding myself I just had one and should be acting accordingly and not physically overexerting myself.  I want to have living proof in my arms of what I just went through.

I want to cry because I’m overtired and touched out from nursing, not because my milk has come in and I have no baby to relieve my engorgement.

I hope this is it, that this is our happy ending.