Random Thoughts

When Aaron and I were dating, he told me he wanted 8 kids.  He claims he was joking now, but I remember thinking 8 including the three I come with or in addition to making 11?  Then the other day it hit me.  I had 8 kids.  I can’t believe I have had five babies with Aaron and only two are alive. 

I lost Raime in April.  I lost Connor in April.  By August, 4 months later, I was pregnant with Lili.  Three months after Elora died I was pregnant with Connor.  Even after the miscarriage I had before Elora I was dying to get pregnant again.  I don’t have that huge desire to be pregnant again like I did those times.  I feel different.  It feels weird not to have an overwhelming urge to have a baby.  Does that mean maybe I am done? 

It confuses me so much, because I still have a hard time dealing with pregnant people and babies.  If I’m done, why am I so angry and bitter?  And that makes me feel so horribly guilty, because it’s not like the rest of the world is supposed to be put on hold until I can cope.

I got a card yesterday from the hospital I had Connor at.  It was from the grief councilor and it said that she knew that my due date was in August and she hoped I was able to get through it ok.  I thought that was really nice, that they acknowledged it.  But I still haven’t received any word on the autopsy results or the professional pictures they took of Connor.  I guess I have to call them.